Finally, after months of strenuous, internal debate with myself regarding what one song could possibly sum up all of what I feel for Shane, and all that he feels for me, I realized that there is no such one song. I would write one, and I’m certain that I someday will, but it is a bit difficult for me to do that without a piano at my ready disposal.

Then, on our way home from Chicago last month we were listening to Shane’s Ingrid Michaelson channel on Pandora when “Giving Up” came on. I’d heard the song a few times before and liked it just fine. For some reason, though, it wasn’t until we were stuck in the middle of Nowhere, Indiana that it really sung through to me.

It’s funny and sweet, in an all-too-honest sort of way. Most of all, it’s been a part of our relationship all along, even if only silently so. In November 2008, Shane and I made the trek down to Cincinnati to see Ingrid play. For Shane’s birthday this last year I took him to her concert in Bloomington where he got her autograph. One of our favorite shows, Grey’s Anatomy, also happens to use many of her songs fairly often.

Now, whenever I listen to it, all I can imagine is being surrounded by our loved ones and being filled with unbearable feelings of love and excitement for what’s to come.

For those of you who don’t know, my father died two weeks before my 9th birthday. Over the years, and through the weddings I’ve been to, I’ve realized that the hardest part of my wedding would be not having him there to walk me down the aisle or dance with me. While working in catering I always had to leave the room when the father-daughter dance started, because it was almost always to “Butterfly Kisses”. At friends’ weddings I always had to try my hardest not to start crying and keep the smile on my face. I’m hoping to somehow find a way to honor my father at our wedding, but avoid feeling as though something is missing. It sounds absolutely impossible.

So far, I’ve found two ways to honor him. The first I’ve been thinking about for a while: playing one of his favorite songs (at least from my memory), “Lunatic Fringe” by Red Rider. Shane said its one of his dad’s favorites as well, and since the mothers usually light the unity candles (which we’ll probably be having sand instead, I’ll explain later) I was thinking that it could play while Shane and I do the Unity part of the ceremony, or while the mothers are seated, to honor both of our fathers. It isn’t a typical song for any part of a wedding really, but this wedding will be anything but typical. So I figure if we do it right, we can get away with it.

The second way I’ve found to honor my father is with a song that has been close to my heart since it first came out, “Angel Standing By” by Jewel. It is a song that I would often use as a “lullabye” when I was missing my father too much. And it is truly beautiful. I had been trying to find a good version of Ave Maria to walk down the aisle to that wasn’t quite classical and had no luck, and then I remembered this song. I listened to it again, and the words aren’t obvious enough to make me or others cry. But it is just enough to remind me that, as my mom walks me down the aisle, that he is right there with us.

Sorry this is slightly depressing. I’m actually really excited about it! I’ve not only found another way to honor my father, but I’ve also possibly found the song I want to walk down the aisle to.

Back to the “sand” unity part of the ceremony, I really like the idea of having sand instead of unity candles. Two colors (blue and green), one in each vase. Then a larger vase in the middle. The mothers would pour some sand in the middle vase (instead of lighting the unity candles), creating two separate layers of color on the bottom. Then during the ceremony Shane and I would pour sand into the middle vase and our colors would mix together. It would be something we’d keep on our mantle (if we had one, lol) or somewhere in the house.

I’ve also found some other good music I want to use at some point, or might use anyway. My favorite so far is “Come Rain or Come Shine” by Frank Sinatra. I’ve never gotten into that era of music that much, though I do really love it. I always remember Emily being really into Frank. I don’t ever remember hearing this song, though. I’m not sure who did it originally as there are versions by Etta, Ella, and more but I like his version the best.

I need to start getting ready for tomorrow. My nails are currently 9 different colors thanks to my indecision on what color to paint them. Lol. Not that it really matters, but that’s the perfectionist in me for ya.